“Why won’t he listen?”

“Seriously, just get dressed”

“A cup is a cup, does the color really matter?”

I could keep listing out all the questions that filled by brain when I first felt like my parenting skills were being put to the test, and almost all of these questions left me feeling frustrated and confused. But over time, I realized that before my parenting changed, my mindset had to change.

These three shifts completely transformed the way I show up as a mom and helped me respond with more patience, curiosity, and confidence.

1. All Behavior Is Communication

Wait what? This was probably the biggest shift for me. When we only look at behavior on the surface, it’s easy to become frustrated.

Why is he throwing his cup?

Why did he hit his brother?

Why won’t he just get dressed?

Those questions usually leave us feeling irritated because we’re focused on stopping the behavior or getting to the next thing, because let’s be real, it is usually the moments when we are trying to get somewhere or something done that can feel the most frustrating and our patience drains the quickest.

But once I started viewing behavior as communication, I was able to pause and ask myself better questions.

Instead of asking,

“Why is he throwing the cup?”

I started asking,

“What is he trying to tell me?”

Children, especially toddlers don’t yet have the emotional regulation or all of the communication skills they need to explain everything they are feeling. Behavior is often their way of saying:

• I’m overwhelmed.
• I’m frustrated.
• I need connection.
• I’m tired.
• I don’t know how to solve this problem.
• I need your help.

That doesn’t mean every behavior is acceptable. It doesn’t mean you are able to respond perfectly in every scenario. It simply means there’s usually something underneath the behavior that’s worth diving into a little deeper.

2. You Can Be Empathetic and Still Set a Boundary

Children need boundaries. Boundaries help them feel safe.

The difference can be made in how we show up when we go to hold those boundaries.

For example, if my toddler hits his younger brother, I don’t ignore it, I don’t shame him, I don’t tell him he should know better or at least I don’t anymore lol the words “you know better” have definitely slipped out of my mouth before I had better tools in my tool belt. And if you have said that to your toddler, please do not beat yourself up. So here is what I do now instead.

I get on his level, stop the behavior whether that is separating the two or gently grabbing a hold of his hands to keep him from hitting again and say something like:

“I won’t let you hit your brother. You were really frustrated because he grabbed your truck. Hitting hurts. If you are not done playing, you can say, ‘I’m still playing with that.’”

I might revisit the scenario later on when everyone is more regulated and say something like, “Earlier today you were feeling really frustrated when brother grabbed your truck. It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s not okay to hit. Next time you feel frustrated, you can ask for space or squeeze your firsts together like this to let out some of that frustration. ”

I’m acknowledging his feelings of frustation while still holding a clear boundary that we do not hit our brother.

Both things can be true. You are allowed to feel frustrated. You are not allowed to hit. That simple shift has changed so many interactions in our home.

This is certainly not a one time fix, it takes time and repetition to teach the skill of “what do I do when I am feeling angry, mad, sad, whatever the feeling maybe, ” and keeps everyone safe. I knew at least something was starting to stick when my boys would be playing and I would overhear the toddler saying “I need space, I need space” so I would get closer and help by moving the baby away preventing the hitting from happening. Am I always fast enough to get there? No.

So if I miss it and my toddler does end up hitting his brother, I’ll separate the two if necessary, physical safety comes first, then saying something like “What happened here?”

Wait..usually the toddler will say “Well Well, brother took my toy and I wasn’t done with it.”

“Ohhhh brother took your toy and you were still playing with it, so you hit him?”

Then I’ll go into what I said above, “I won’t let you hit your brother. You were really frustrated because he grabbed your toy. Hitting hurts. If you are not done playing, you can say, ‘I’m still playing with that.’”

3. Curiosity Over Control

One situation that used to completely frustrate me was when my fully potty-trained toddler would take off all his clothes during nap time and pee on the carpet. Every single time I thought, “Why would he do that, he knows better?”

Now I approach it differently. Instead of immediately reacting out of my own frustration, I try and connect first.

I’ll say, something like “Hey buddy, I see you peed on the floor. Pee goes in the potty. Let’s get this cleaned up together. Help Mommy understand what happened.”

Then I wait. Really wait. Sometimes 10 or 15 seconds which can feel like 10 to 15 minutes. More often than not, he’ll tell me something like,

“I wanted my water bottle” or “I am not tired” or “I miss daddy”

The “I miss daddy” one really is a gut puncher. My husband’s job requires him to work long hours so he is out the door before the kids wake up and gets home around dinner time. But as soon as he walks through the door, he is full on dad-mode. So, taking this into consideration, suddenly the peeing on the floor makes a little more sense.

In response, I’ll say, “Thanks for telling me. Next time, instead of peeing on the floor, you can say, ‘Mommy, I’m thirsty. Can I have my water bottle?’”

Or “Thanks for telling me. You really miss daddy. You wish he could be home with you, he does too. Instead of peeing on the floor when you miss daddy, you can say I miss daddy.”

Ugh, I have tears in my eyes writing this one because truly, these little people are not trying to make your life harder, although it can feel like it sometime.

So, back to peeing on the floor. Will he remember what to do the very next day? Maybe. Probably not. Is he going to pee on the floor again, chances are yes. Learning takes time and repetition.

But I’ve noticed something interesting. On the days I spend just a few extra minutes connecting with him before nap time making sure he’s had water, gone potty again before nap even if he went 20-minutes earlier, a snack if needed, a hug, and that his basic needs are met he almost never pees on the floor.

That doesn’t mean every challenging behavior has a simple explanation or you always have extra minutes in the day for connection, but slowing down long enough to ask, “What’s really going on here?” has changed the way I parent and helped me feel a lot less frustrated.

Final Thoughts

These mindset shifts haven’t made me a perfect parent. I still lose my patience, I still get frustrated, but far less often.

These shifts have helped me move from reacting to responding. From assuming my toddler is trying to strike a nerve to becoming curious about what is really going on. From trying to control behavior to building connection because at the end of the day isn’t that what all of us want?

To feel more connected to each other? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

With Gratitude,
Angie
Moved by Motherhood