If you read my post about “Parenting With the End Game in Mind” last week, you may remember a section titled Discipline Over Punishment.

A few months ago, my son had a procedure done at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta (CHOA). Later, while logging into my account on their website to pay the bill, I stumbled across their Strong4Life platform and an article titled “How to Effectively Discipline Young Kids.”

As someone who had already been diving into all things parenting, I couldn’t help but click on it. As I begun reading the article, I found myself nodding along and wondering why more resources like this are not shared with parents at routine well visits.

I wanted to share a few of the takeaways that stood out to me. This post reflects my personal interpretation and experience after reading the article published by Strong4Life. I’ll link to the full article at the end because it’s absolutely worth reading.

Discipline vs. Punishment

Discipline means to teach. To me, discipline is about helping my children learn the skills they don’t yet have.

Punishment, on the other hand, focuses on imposing a consequence or as they term it in the article a “penalty” after a child makes a mistake.

Instead of asking, “How do I stop this behavior?” I try to ask, “What does my child need to learn in this moment?”

And let’s be clear if my child is hurting himself or someone else, I’m going to stop the behavior. Keeping him and everyone else safe comes first. But I’m also going to try and understand what is driving behavior in the first place.

Babies Aren’t Trying to Manipulate You

Another good reminder in the article was babies cry when they need something, not because they’re trying to make your life more difficult.

Whether they’re hungry, tired, uncomfortable, or simply need comfort, responding to those needs helps build a secure attachment.

I also appreciated the reminder that you can’t spoil a baby by holding them too much. Both of my boys love to snuggle, and I try and soak up every minute of it because I know there will come a time when they will want their space.

Effective Toddler Discipline

The article also shared several practical strategies for effectively disciplining toddlers, many of which I was already practicing in my own home after learning them from other parenting experts.

1. Stay Calm

Our children learn how to regulate their emotions by watching us regulate ours. Is it easy? Absolutely not. But every calm response gives another example to our children of how to handle their big feelings.

2. Hold the Boundary

Being empathetic doesn’t mean being permissive or having no boundaries.

It’s okay to calmly say: “I won’t let you hit.”

Children thrive when boundaries are clear and consistent, it makes them feel safe.

3. Redirect When Possible

One strategy that has been a game changer in our house is redirecting. Instead of only saying what my child can’t do, I try to show and tell him what he can do.

For Example: “Don’t hit the dog!” becomes “I won’t let you hit the dog. You can pet her like this.”

That small shift gives him another option instead of leaving him wondering what to do.

4. Consider a Time-In

Instead of sending a child away when they’re struggling, a time-in encourages parents to stay close and support the child while they regulate their nervous system. 

The message becomes:

“I’m here with you, even when you’ve made a mistake.”

Oddly enough, this wasn’t a new idea for me as a parent or as a child. My parents did not use time-outs growing up. Looking back, I realize they were doing “time-ins” long before I had ever heard the term.

So thanks, Mom and Dad.

5. Pick Your Battles

This one made me smile because it reminded me of my own toddler. Recently he wanted to wear his Christmas pajamas to the airport…in the middle of July. My response?

“Live your best life, buddy.”

Before a five-hour flight across the country, that simply wasn’t a battle worth fighting.

A Couple Things to Be Mindful Of

Before I get into the things the article suggests to avoid, I want to acknowledge someone reading this may have used or currently uses some of the approaches the article cautions against. I am not writing this from a place of judgement. Some of us use the parenting strategies we grew up with, the ones our friends use, or simply the ones we think will be the most effective. Most parents are doing their best with the knowledge and tools they have.

So here it is, the article lists “disciplinary mistakes” that research has found to be less effective or potentially harmful when repeated over time, which included spanking and yelling. They have hyperlinks in the article that expand on these two topics that provide further context on the potential harm with these methods.

This section of the article also reminded parents that toddlers have very short attention spans, so long lectures usually aren’t effective. Simple, calm explanations often go much further. Additionally, the article reminds parents to have realistic expectations. For example, most toddlers are not going to share, that is something they will learn how to do with time and practice.

Be Proactive Instead of Reactive

If you know your toddler melts down when they’re hungry, pack snacks before running errands.

If transitions are difficult, give them a warning before it’s time to leave. A warning they can understand. Example: “When we finish the book, then we will get our shoes on” instead of “We are leaving in 5 minutes! Get your shoes on!” And yes I have said the latter until I found another way because 5 minutes would go by and my toddler would still be playing right where I left him, and the shoes were no where to be found lol

Additionally, many challenging behaviors can be prevented or minimized simply by planning ahead. Another reminder I loved was to notice and praise the behaviors you want to see more often. Children naturally repeat behaviors that receive positive attention.

Final Thoughts

How you choose to discipline your child or children is a personal decision. I’m certainly not here to judge or tell you what’s best for your family. I’m simply sharing what I’m learning in real time and what has been helpful in my own motherhood journey.

These tools have helped me feel more confident as a mom and less stressed, so I can actually enjoy this season of motherhood.

So when I’m in the middle of a challenging moment, these reminders help me reset:

• All behavior is communication.
• My child is having a hard time; they’re not trying to give me a hard time.
• What does my child need to learn in this moment?

In this mindset, I find myself feeling less frustrated, more patient, and better able to teach instead of react. As always, I’m cheering you on, and I hope that something in my story encourages you in yours.

You can read the original resource published by Strong4Life here: https://www.strong4life.com/en/emotional-wellness/behavior-and-discipline/how-to-effectively-discipline-young-kids

With Gratitude,
Angie
Moved by Motherhood