Before my second son was even walking, I picked up a book called Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life by Dr. Laura Markham.
And yes, I know what you may be thinking: Don’t you have a one year old and a three year old? Why did you start reading this book so soon? Were your boys already fighting? No. They weren’t. I wanted to learn the tools ahead of time so that when those moments did come, I would feel more equipped to respond in a way that protected the relationship.
There’s another popular book called Siblings Without Rivalry, which is also a wonderful resource, but it focuses more heavily on school-age children. Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings specifically looks at the sibling relationship during the younger years, which was exactly what I was looking for.
Peaceful Discipline Supports a Healthy Sibling Relationship
One of the first things the book explores is how our approach to discipline can affect the sibling relationship.
The author explains how both punishment and permissiveness can sometimes contribute to more sibling conflict. When we ignore sibling conflict completely or respond with shame, yelling, punishment, or separation (i.e., “go to your room and come back when you can behave”), children may miss opportunities to learn how to navigate conflict, repair relationships, and work through disagreements in a healthy way.
The book offers scripts parents can use for setting limits through an empathetic lens while still holding firm boundaries when conflict does occur. Because, let’s be real, there is going to be conflict. On another note, I’ve written about effective forms of discipline specifically with toddlers in a previous post, so I’ll link it below for reference.
[Read my post about discipline versus punishment →]
Preventative Maintenance
This was one of my favorite concepts in the book. Preventative maintenance. Basically, we don’t want to wait until the relationship is falling apart or we feel like our children are constantly going at each other to take action. I think about this like filling our children’s cups. Are we creating opportunities for each child to feel seen individually? Are we finding little moments throughout the day to connect with them?
I know how hard this can be when you have multiple children. Maybe you’re solo parenting most of the day like me, or you’re trying to balance work and household tasks while still being Mom. There are days when it feels impossible to give everyone uninterrupted one-on-one time. But connection doesn’t always require an hour of uninterrupted time or some fancy outing. I’ll link below to previous posts I published about finding moments to connect throughout the day even when one-on-one time isn’t always possible and the “Bucket Method,” what our child’s behavior could be telling us. Because when our children feel connected to us, they may be less likely to “act out” or compete with their siblings for our attention.
[Read my post: The Bucket Method (Positive Parenting Solutions): What Our Child’s Behavior Could Be Telling Us? →]
They’re Going to Be Best Friends…
Something else the book talks about is a feeling I think we sometimes overlook when we bring another child into our family. We automatically assume:
“They’re going to be best friends!”
And while many of us parents, myself included, sure hope this is the case, our older child may not see it that way initially. They may feel replaced, or wonder why the baby gets to do things they no longer can. They may love their new sibling and still feel angry, jealous, or left out. And as they get older, those feelings can sometimes turn into competing for our attention.
So, instead of assuming our older child should automatically be thrilled about becoming a big brother or sister, we can try to empathize with what this enormous transition feels like from their perspective and we can help set the stage for their friendship to develop. More on this below.
Coach Instead of Control
One of the ways I think about my role as a parent is less like a referee and more like a coach. When the baby takes the toddler’s toy and the toddler hits the baby, I don’t immediately decide who is right and who is wrong. I get curious.
“What happened here?”
We can help our children identify what happened, communicate what they needed, and understand how the other person felt. We’re almost like an interpreter, narrating the story as we go.
“You were playing with the truck. Your brother wanted it, so he grabbed it. You weren’t finished with it, so you hit him. It’s not okay to hit. Instead of hitting, you can say, I am still playing with that.”
We’re teaching them to listen to one another, speak kindly, communicate needs, respect and set boundaries, problem solve, take turns, and repair when conflict does arise. The goal isn’t to make sure our children never fight. The goal is to teach them how to work through conflict in a healthy way. And the truth is they are not born with these skills, they need us, their parents to teach them.
And does this take a lot of patience? Absolutely! So please, give yourself grace if you don’t get it “right” every time. We’re learning alongside our children, and we don’t have to handle every conflict perfectly to help them develop these important skills.
Don’t Assume the Older Child Knows Better
This one really made me think about the expectations we sometimes place on older children. It’s easy to think:
“You’re older. You should know better.”
“You’re older. You need to set an example.”
And yes, our younger children may pick up on the things our older kids do, but the way we approach that can look and sound different.
For example, I might say to my 3-year-old, “Hey Buddy, your food stays on your plate.” Then, five seconds later, the baby throws food on the floor.
Instead of turning to my older child and saying, “See? Your brother is watching you. You need to set a good example,” I might say, “Thank you for keeping your food on your plate. We’re showing brother what we do with our food.”
There’s a subtle difference, but I think it matters. I’m still acknowledging that younger siblings learn from their older siblings without putting the responsibility for the younger child’s behavior on the older child.
Being older also doesn’t mean having unlimited emotional regulation or always knowing what to do. They are still learning, too. Especially if your oldest is 3 like mine.
Teach Repair
Another big takeaway for me was the importance of repair. Our children are going to yell at each other, grab toys, and maybe say things they don’t mean out of frustration. What we can teach them is how to work through the conflict, as well as what comes after the conflict.
Repair teaches children you can mess up and still make it right. And I think that’s a pretty powerful lesson for any relationship, not just sibling relationships.
[Read My Post: Why I Don’t Force My Toddler to Say Sorry→]
The Comparison Game
I think most of us have heard or even said some version of comparing our children. Maybe not directly to our child, but within earshot.
“Your brother was already walking at this age.”
“Look how well your brother is eating his vegetables. You should eat yours too.”
Regular comparison can quickly turn siblings into competitors or make them feel like they aren’t measuring up. And eventually, our children may start doing the comparing themselves.
“Well, he gets to do this. Why can’t I?”
Those moments give us another opportunity to teach them to look inward instead. Their sibling’s journey doesn’t have to determine their own. They can have different hobbies, interests, and ways of seeing and interacting with the world and we, as parents, can help facilitate that.
I remember getting ready to start high school while my older sister was already there three years ahead of me. She was in the marching band and really enjoyed it. Since she loved it, my mom assumed I would too and insisted I sign up, even though I had no interest. Within the first couple weeks of the football season, I was begging my mom to let me quit. I ended up finishing the year school year (although I did not want to) and the following year, I joined yearbook instead. And I LOVED it.
Reflecting on this story, I know my mom had good intentions, she was simply trying to give me the same opportunity my sister had enjoyed so much. But my sister and I were different people, and what was a great fit for her wasn’t necessarily a great fit for me.
Be Careful With Labels
The book also talks about the roles we can unintentionally assign to our children. The smart one. The athletic one. The sensitive one. The difficult one. The chill one. The wild one.
And I’ll be honest, I have absolutely jokingly referred to my children as one being “chill” and the other being “full throttle” but I’m trying to be more mindful of that. Even when we’re saying these things casually or with good intentions, we don’t want to box our children in or make them feel like they have to continue being a certain way.
That being said, one thing I’m personally working on besides avoiding labels is how I refer to my boys.
On this blog, I’ll often say “my toddler” or “my baby” because it gives context to what I’m sharing. But in real life, I’m trying to get into the habit of using their names rather than defining them by their age, birth order, or any other defining characteristic.
It’s a small thing, and I don’t get it right every time, but it’s something I’m intentionally working on now because as they grow older they will naturally become more aware of the words we use to describe them.
Celebrate Each Other
I love the idea of intentionally creating opportunities for siblings to celebrate one another. Not in a look at him, “wow he is so much better than you way”, but rather “wow let’s celebrate each other and show them that we care.”
We can also create a family philosophy: We work as a team. We help each other. We celebrate each other. We take care of each other. We love each other. Those are the messages I want my boys to grow up hearing and remember for the rest of their lives.
So, Can You Do Things to Build a Healthy Sibling Relationship?
I think the answer is yes.
We can’t control whether our children will grow up to be best friends, but we can influence how they learn to treat one another. We are not responsible for creating a perfect sibling relationship, but we can help lay a foundation for one.
We can do this by modeling healthy conflict, creating opportunities for connection, avoiding comparison and labels, teaching repair, and leaning into being a coach instead of being a referee.
I’m only scratching the surface here. If you’re interested in going more in-depth, I’ll link where you can find the book below:
Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life here: https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/peaceful-parent-happy-siblings
As always, I’m cheering you on, and I hope that something in my story encourages you in yours.
With Gratitude,
Angie
Moved by Motherhood
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